Drugs are a drag

Years ago before I had fully grown into my beaver teeth I entered a pilot program called D.A.R.E. I was the first graduating class and I suppose it worked because I have stayed away from drugs for years now. Given that they had spent all this money designing a really crappy logo they have continued to educate the youths of America about the dangers of illicit drug use. Thing 1 is currently enrolled and I hear all about officer Scott but zero about the core of the subject.
Apparently this week is red ribbon week at Thing one's school. It used to be that they issued a crappy ribbon that you were required to wear all week that came with a standard micro sized safety pin that was no doubt the culprit in a few tetanus cases. Now it requires dressing up in various things to show your support of the anti movement, mainly because kids are soft and are too delicate to be stabbed on a daily basis.
Today was Disney day with the theory that you should be in your happy place and not use drugs. I really really wanted to tell Thing one that that is the dumbest thing that I have ever heard and then ask for a refund on my tax dollars that paid people to come up with that. Instead I feigned interest whilst he came up with elaborate ideas as to what he should be. The worst part is he is also supposed to come up with a Halloween costume this week as well and there is no way no how I am paying for 2 separate costumes even if it means that I am taking my chances of my kids developing some unsavory habit. When I realized I could procrasitante no more I decided it was time to get off my lazy can and throw something together.
So while he wanted to be the mad hatter which he said was easy and all it would take was spray painting a hat we don't own, wearing a shirt that is not made for general retail and donning a coat that has tails and large buttons I steered him into the direction of being Gaston which would require wait for it, one yellow shirt. Even better one yellow shirt from the DI that cost me five doll hairs. I did call on of my student employees and she graciously provided a belt for the ensemble. It turns out this was a slippery slope that I slide all the way down. In my extensive five minute google search of DYI Gaston costumes it occurred to me that he wears boots.  I figured if he was already wearing a girls belt we might as well commit and wear girl boots as well. I proposed the idea to which he said no way people will make fun of me for wearing girl boots. My come back was don't worry son I have enormous feet and no one will be able to tell that they are made for a girl. I realize now that I am a little ways away from the situation that this logic was in fact not sane since you know men don't wear riding style boots. The wheels were already set in motion so this morning my son left my house clomping around in size 12 lady boots in the name of staying drug free. Ironically this might just be what drives him to use while he is trying to erase the pains of being taunted for his choice in footwear.

So recap- even if you were the same size as a drag queen it does not qualify as men's wear and because of this faux pas my kid is dabbling in the world of cross dressing. Looks like I am going to remove my name from mother of the year ballot- again.

It's Fall Y'all!

Welp it is official. Fall has sprung around our parts which means that by law I am required to wiggle my body into comfy jams and hibernate. I hate to do it but as a law abiding citizen I have no choice.
We tried to squeeze the last few drops of fun out of summer by taking the boy howdys to the drive in. I thought there was a whole post in that little adventure. Turns out not so much.
Shocking since giving a blow by blow account of watching a film sounded like such a rivoiting story. I did learn that I have not lost my Jewish motherly ways and our trunk proved it.

I am not sure what I thought we would encounter but we were prepared. So long as the preparation called for blankets and an ottoman.

We did pack calzones  which Minion informed me first thing is not drive in food. I am not sure what constitutes drive in food or who made him the authority but either way they were delicious.
So that was it for the last hoorah and I thought that it would be enough to tide me over and then the cold hit. It has been raining and cold and the forecast calls for snow before Halloween and suddenly I have found myself wishing I could return to warmth and sun. Somehow, someway my foodie brain has translated tropical climates with butternut ravioli in brown butter sauce. The best food I have ever eaten consumed in sunny California with the likes of y'all. Only problem is my desire to recreate my past is often squashed by my laziness, that and Myers has been keeping the house at 64 degrees. I kid you not I am writing this in a hoodie. Cooking in a hoodie should only happen in extreme cases like camping. Luckily for all of us I am married to the most amazing human I know and while I was konked out on the couch all lady like with my mouth agape he snuck to the grocer and got the stuff for the ravioli and then made the filling.
When I awoke we stuffed the crap out of some pasta and then proceeded to gorge our selves. I also happened to pinterest the crap out of the photos.

Good thing summer is 10 months away as per the Idaho calendar because any dinner that requires a pool of butter on the plate is no doubt bad for the old swimsuit body. That however sounds like a problem for future Chris.

On a huffy

During the dog days of summer when it was so hot outside my brain became a little fuzzy I suggested that we should try to bike all the way  out to Big Judd's. As soon as I chilled my blood stream down with its natural contents, read Dr. Pepper, I quickly abandoned this stupid plan. Apparently Thing 2 has not forgotten and so he asked if we were ever going to try the Big Jug's challenge. Let it be stated that I think it is hi-larious that they think it is big jugs so I have never corrected them. This may backfire years from now when they find a nudie bar with the same title and go wandering on in for some tater tots but I will deal with that when it happens.
So being that we live in agricultural Idaho we are granted a week to pick spuds. I can't even keep a house plant alive let alone hundreds of acres of tubers so for us we just have nothing but time on our hands. With that time we decided to bike out to the middle of no where  and have ourselves a hamburger. Turns out it is an 18.2 mile round trip journey. Here is the acccount
12:00 we set out after rigging the boys up with camel packs so we don't risk the horrible side effects of dehydration.  Here we are in all of our naivety thinking that this is a good plan.

12:06 We are now in the land of no sidewalks and not so safely planted in the middle of a highway. I try to distract myself with the splendor of nature and the perfect weather and to ignore the fear that at any given moment we could be killed
12:12 Thing 1 has now noticed that we are in possible grave danger and he is interrupting my attempts at tranquility to point out how close the cars are and how fast they are going that kid is fast becoming a buzz kill.
12:18 I am now as equally freaked out as my off spring and I am trying desperatly to keep my mind off of it. Luckily I noticed that I am starving and start to consider hoping the fence to share the grass with all the horses we are passing. This keeps me occupied for the next 20 minutes
12:38 We are now turning off the main highway onto a lovely country road. We have now passed the longest continuous set of miles we have ever cycled in one stretch and every single one of us is feeling it. It then occurs to me that while we have done 6 straight miles we have always had the luxury of stop lights and cross roads to allow our butt cheeks a chance to rest. In the country there are no such luxuries and I am starting to really hate myself for allowing an 8 year old to pick the family activity. Luckily for all of us the aforementioned 8 year old announces that he has to whiz on account of he has sucked his camel pack dry. Seeing my chance for a rest I allow him to pee on the weeds. I also took the chance to snap a picture. He was offened that he was not in it. I tried to explain that nobody wants to see him relieving himself but he thinks that I am trying to pull a fast one on him.

12:46 All hell breaks loose as we encounter the dreaded farm dog who is giant, loose, and fond of chasing things. I am starting to wonder if I have the emotional fortitude to kick a dog in the face in front of my children when I spot a horse boner. I then have an internal battle as I try to decide which one to focus on. The ultimate sign of good luck or the blood thirsty hound. Adrenalin kicks in and I just pedal faster and miss both. I am still not sure if I should be grateful or angry
12:52 Thing 2 throws his bike down in the middle of the road for no reason and goes running in the opposite direction which causes some concern. Turns out he found a wrench and like his grandfather can't leave things on the road. He then proceeds to tell Myers that whoever lost it was obviously a nincompoop. When he tried to correct him on this thought process he says fine then they are a hippocrisp. Not sure what that is but I laugh. Until I realize that I am STILL on my bike then I cry a little.
12:54 Thing 2 throws his bike down in the middle of the road this time he is inspecting something very closely

It was a super hairy caterpillar which warranted a second stop and possible damage to his bike.

He tells me it is natures pipe cleaner. I wanted to ask what the hell mother nature needed a pipe cleaner for but realized it was my hanger talking and so I bite my tongue.
1:05 I am starting to think we are never going to get there and I am thinking about just asking a farmer for lunch. Thing 1 is in the same boat and by this point  we are all spent when Myers announce only 5 more minutes.
1:08 Thing 2 sees a praying mantis but by some act of God does not throw his bike down
1:12 google maps lies but we have finally arrived. We look like the cat has drug us through all sorts of things and we are starving and are grateful when the waitress brings us drinks the size of our heads

1:20 FOOD! We eat until we were sick and then climbed back on our bikes for another 9 miles back in. The burger was good the tots exceptional and the company divine!

Moral of the story we are capable of hard things and when you do hard things you are rewarded with free wrenches. Or something like that

bittersweet

As you know I only have one marketable skill and it is cooking. Ironically I have failed to share this skill with my own children. I am not sure if they are actually interested in cooking but I am not very quick to offer up lessons. Truth be told I am not even sure if they know the difference between a balloon whisk or a french whisk. It is embarrassing really.
Thing 2 has apparently been reading a book at school all about strawberry pie making and after three days of non stop hounding I finally gave in and agreed to show the kid how to make a pie. Of course not a strawberry pie mind you because that would require me to go to the grocer and I save that for special holidays and weekends only. So we set out to make a chocolate cream pie.

The shell which he fluted on his own

I would like to tell you that there was some beautifully funny story or that there was bonding or something else along those lines. Truth is I am super uptight and allowing messes and uneven crust rolling and improper technique just stresses me out. In reality the only reason I am telling  this story is so that I can show the best picture ever.
 Fun fact when making a chocolate pie from scratch one must use unsweetened chocolate. Even more fun fact when Thing 2 excitedly asked if he could try out the chocolate I let him. Of course I only allowed it AFTER the camera was ready. He should have known better then to believe that I would just allow him to dive into the ingredients. So here is the whole reason for this post.

I later learned that he thought it was the same chocolate I use for our annual Christmas eve fondue. I learned this at the same time I learned that he sneaks into the cupboard and chips himself off chunks all season long. As soon as I learned this information I felt like him eating bitter chocolate was sweet sweet justice. I may have negated the points I earned for pie making for this move but I would do it again in a heart beat!

The pie in all it's uneven glory

Whipping the cream. 

 

cutting

finally done!

I can be civil

I have never hidden the fact that I hate nature and yet every now again I seem to forget that fact for two seconds and then I end up smack dab in the middle of it. This week was one of those moments.
I promised the boys an adventure to the civil defense caves and high on the promise of a free adventure we set out. I should have turned back the second I noticed that the marker for the dirt path was shaped like a tombstone but I kept right on navigating down a trail that jiggled half of my beaver teeth loose. The trail head was marked with an identical tombstone marker and this time it did not go unnoticed by Thing two. Again I ignored this little sign and instead cheerily bundled up my posse in hats gloves and hoodies even though the air temperature read 96.

The Cave entrance

We got to the opening and you could feel the cold air rushing out and my spidey senses began screaming things like hey moron don't do this. Turns out my spidey senses must be calibrated to rude so I ignored them in the name of  not to being bullied. The first two seconds in I realized that this was a horrible plan. We couldn't find the good head lamp so we were stuck with our cheap 5 buck Walmart specials. These are fantastic if you want to light up the three inches above your head that you are incapable of seeing but unfortunately we needed much more light. It was then that I realized that there was a possibility we might stumble across the body of a beaten dead bum. I instantly tried to figure out a way to get the crap out of there but then I realized that saying hey fellas I don't want to maybe find a dead body just sound nutso so I carried on. While I was trying to keep my panic in check Thing One so rudely interrupted me to tell me he was afraid of getting eaten by a bear. It was all that I could do to not scream some of us have real fears you little punk so why don't you just shut it. I didn't do that. I calmly explained that obviously  this cave was way to cold for a bear to live in and even managed to leave out the part about however it would be the perfect temperature to hold a body in thus making time of death predictions harder to pinpoint.
By this point Thing Two realized that he was in his element on steroids- things that he had to climb in a pitch black area so he couldn't be told not to attempt life threatening moves. He kept moving faster then our tiny beam of light could keep up with and I just knew he was going to get lost. Thing One couldn't keep up with his maniac brother and blamed it on the floor conditions and asked why don't they come smooth this floor out? I good suggestion if you ask me.  Luckily for us the rocks were slick as snot so when he almost fell to his death for the third time he slowed down and slinked his little gloved hand into mine.
Now that I had Thing Two under control Thing One had decided that while the cave might be too cold for a regular bear it was most defiantly the right temperature for a polar bear so we needed to leave immediately to avoid its angelic white jaws of death. Being that I am married to a super genius he took the opportunity to show the boys that he could breath like a dragon and distracted both of them long enough to move forward further into the icy depths of the mountain.

Dragon breathing

I am not sure how long we had been in there but I was starting to have genuine sympathy for the Chilean miners who got trapped for all that time and was worried that could be my fate. I was of course not prepared for this because they had tuna fish to snack on and I had stupidly failed to bring snacks. As I was trying to avoid a panic attack Thing One so rudely interrupted me to show me some randoms thing on the ground. I am not sure if it was ice or mold. He was insistent that it was Coyote hair but he pronounced it like a dad-gum local so it rhymes with goat. It was then that I realized I was failing as a parent. I mean how did I miss this? And you guessed it it brought on a whole new wave of things that was most certainly going to eat us.

Cave of wonders mystery substance

 I was not sure how much more I could take when Jebus took mercy on my soul and we could finally  see the light of day. All of us were ready to leave and we scaled those rocks as fast as humanly possible to get the heck out of dodge.

So lets recap- nature sucks, I am raising wannies who don't know how to pronounce words, and the forest service really needs to come do some serious maintenance to that cave.  

 

Well that's a first

I don't know how it happened but somehow someway summer has ended. Oh sure the signs have been there for weeks. Things 1 and 2 are suddenly super annoying, not to me mind you, I adore my children and would never daydream about dropping them off in Mexico while screeching out my windows ADIOS SUCKERS! No they are  annoying to one another. There has been a constant low toned wailed that just tag teams between the two of them until the beatings are so severe that head trauma or sudden death is eminent and they have to find me to avoid either one. They also are the wrong color. They have gone from the albinos that belong to me, the palest human being on the planet, to a brushed bronze. The evidence is in the form of  very pronounced lines all over their bodies. Bums as white as freshly fallen snow glare down the hallway mysteriously attached to incredibly tanned torsos and legs. Its hilarious but you will just have to use your imagination, I don't want to loose my endorsement with subway over this. As a super bonus they also reek, not the normal puppet funk that they normally have. No this is like a stench that is beyond words, stench that comes from hours in the sun running feral  with other neighborhood kids. So I shouldn't have been suprised when I realized that today was the day to send them back to school but I was.

This is a year of firsts for us.
Thing one is now in middle school and no longer considered an elementary school kid. This means that for the first time my kids are at two different schools. Now They come home at different times and they don't share a principal or common peers. They no longer have one

anothers backs and won't have the same assemblies. This is the year that I have to admit that our little is big and that all too quickly he will be gone. This was also the first time I have ever been terrified to leave him. His school is huge! We only have one middle school so they merge 6 elementary locations into one massive building. I got lost twice trying to drop him off. I had no clue where I was and almost had to trade in my street cred to ask a 6th grader where the hell I was. Good thing I didn't since I later learned you can't say hell in school.
They survived though. They found their way around without the other guy, the bus brought Thing one home in one piece, and no one died.
So take that summer stench! We survived the first day of school.

soul chucking

So I have not posted in a very very long time. I have spent countless hours not sleeping and even more hours pondering what is to become of me. Our lives are in turmoil but only because we are suffering from first world problems and so everyday instead of posting the funny thing that I ear marked for this little spot my energies are spent worrying about what I am supposed to do. I don't have answers and I am seriously thinking about hiring survey monkey to send out a quick test so that strangers can decide my fate.
So here is a recap of our Saturday from a few weeks ago.
Myers got recruited to make a little cash for selling his soul. Everyone has a price and it turns out his is exactly 100 dollars. For the said monies he was required to drive to Idaho Falls pick up a company car and then drive it to Dubois Idaho where he would throw candy to the masses in a parade. We are a tight knit family so the boys and I went along for the ride but since we are awesome we went for free. This is a little recap of our day.
8:00 am- we leave Rexburg in a mad dash so that we can arrive to the main st branch at the appointed time of 8:30. Since we are running behind I did not have time to eat breakfast. This is only important for later in this story.
8:30 we arrive on time by some miracle or speeding. Ok it was speeding. We are rewarded with our promptness by waiting for 15 minutes for the girl with the keys to the van to arrive.
8:45 am we head into the desert where I learn that Dubois is an hour away. Suddenly I think I should have held out for some type of reimbursement.
9:10 We are now safely in the middle of nowhere when Thing 2 announces that he has to pee right now! We decided that the only thing to do was pull off the side of the road and allow him to whiz like the locals do. You know on tires. Myers reasoned that since we had made up some mad time and since we didn't have to be to the parade route until 9:45 we would be safe. Thing 1 sees his chance to weedle outside so he seizes that moment. I am not an expert as to the particulars of outdoor relief but I figured that it did not require much effort. The boys hiked down the embankment and slide behind some overgrown sage brush risking life and limb in the name of modesty. Joke was on them because all they did was walk around to provide a full frontal view.
9:45 we arrive at the branch and pick up the other guy who is to help and head to the sight.
10:00 The parade should have started but instead all I am seeing is a bunch of people milling around.
10:05 I start my rant about how being on time is everything and if these people worked in my kitchen they would all be fired.
10:10 I am now angry because the other guy we picked up is just talking and not even looking irritated. FINALLY the guy wonders over to which Myers asks when the show is going to get started he said 10:30. WHAT!?! When they sold this thing to us we were told the parade started at ten. Now my lack of breakfast is becoming a big big deal.
10:11 I am thinking about what I could eat and getting ready to be all hangry when I witnessed a real live horse boner. I am not sure if you are aware but I believe horse boners to be good omens so I settled down and then prayed that my boys would not notice the magical mystical world of nature at full attention next to us.
10:26 The line up for the parade route is starting so the boys and I snap this little picture.

Someday Brenen will give me a real picture right? It was during this little photo op that I noticed this.

That is a human in a chicken suit holding a flag. I am not sure what it all means but I laugh endlessly.
10:30 turns out they do know the value of time and the thing kicks off. In seconds we are throwing 35 pounds of candy out and 400 I-phone speaker things.
10:40 We catch up to the chicken since he is walking in scuba flippers and we take this as a sign to take his picture of close

Still don't know what this all means. Observe though that the parade route goes through neighborhoods.
10:43 we circle back and drive half the parade route over again since it was so tiny.
10:45 the parade is over we are a hundred bucks richer and our senses have been fed
So there you have it. Some day I will know what I am doing with my life and then perhaps my posts won't be so sporadic. That was a lie they will still be.