Lord of the flies

I hate whole bananas. I will eat them if they are blended into a smoothie or baked into a bread but the texture of them is awful. I want to like them. They are cheap and really portable and apparently chock full of good things for you.  Every couple of years I try to convince myself that I have grown as a person and that maybe just maybe I can eat one whole. This always ends in me gagging two bites in and muscling through with quivering chin much to the delight of my children.
With that being said only primate houses purchase more bananas then I do in a week. They are a hot commodity at our house and I am happy to chuck those nasty buggers in my cart and then never pay attention to them again.
A few weeks ago for some unknown reason there were 2 bunches of bananas that weren't eaten. Old Man Myers declared that he would be making banana bread. Observe how he didn't ask me to make banana bread but made a declarative statement. I went about my day  basking in how glorious my spouse is that not only does he help with the household chores but that he was going to bake as well.
As you know I have the attention span of a goldfish and as soon as the conversation was over I had nearly forgotten that it happened. Big mistake. Three days later those same bananas were still in the cupboard but instead of a happy shade of yellow they were a disturbing hue of black. I checked in with him about the promise of banana bread and again received a yes I am going to make that. You can then imagine my horror when another 2 days passed and the same bananas were there. Realizing that I had been punked out I picked them up to throw them out. That is when I was accosted by at least 6 million fruit flies.
I have never had to deal with fruit flies and as luck would have it my first encounter is with a dadgum infestation. We have tried everything. Old Man Myers bought fogging spray to kill them. I thought it was over kill and teased him that he was bringing a gun to a knife fight. Turns out he didn't. Even though I sacrificed being out of my house for three hours and having to rewash every dish in the cupboard and wiping down every surface it didn't work. Then I bought these traps at the  walmart and figured that that would do the trick. In a show of defiance all those little creeps did was sit on the top of the trap never actually going in. Then I went on the old interweb and asked how to make my own traps since obviously the ones I bought were made of substandard material. It suggested cider vinegar in the bottom of a jar. You know what that did. Made my kitchen smell like vinegar and made me the laughing stock of the fly community for being so naive. I then went and watched a tutorial on youtube just in case I had somehow not fully understood the inner workings of  how to pour liquid into a vessel. They suggested making a cone out of paper and that if I was serious that instead of fruit or vinegar making a solution of yeast and sugar. Desperate I agreed. This was an unmitigated disaster as I underestimated the growing power of yeast and it quickly saturated my cone thus rendering it useless. With none of the traps working I have taken to flapping my arms in the air and then trying to smash them between my giant neanderthal hands. I know what I am doing but I am sure to the outside world it must look like I have lost my everloving mind as I am swinging my ape arms and clapping with reckless abandon.
I didn't think that things could get any worse but yesterday when I opened up the pantry to pull things out to make dinner I was shown that they indeed could. Right there on top of the trap that was supposed to be helping me rid the problem were two flies caught up in a fly sexual encounter. I guess fly poison is a turn on for some? Or perhaps they were just pre-verts that wanted to get caught cuz of the thrill and all. I did the only rational thing and turned a cup over the trap. Luckily for me they were much too busy to notice. Hope they enjoy their new abode when there new crop of miscreant children flies arrive.
To add insult to injury I then had to explain to both Thing One and Two why there was a cup in there and then threaten bodily harm if they were to flip it and let those fornicators out. Try to keep a straight face while explaining fly copulation. I hope Mother Nature is really pleased with herself this week. On the upside I am getting really good at the clapping. Iffin' you ever need me to cheer you on all it will take is two bunches of ripe bananas and empty promises of baked goods.

Tri And Stop Me

Recently I was the recipient of a Hardy family group text. Normally I try to ignore these encounters because it almost always ends up with someone involved in the conversation showing off some form of nudity. If by some miracle there is no naked bits shown one can at least count on a million notifications coming through since there are six million of us. The topic of this particular group convo was about the upcoming sprint triathlon held at the Rigby lake. There were a coupe of things wrong with this. 1. swimming in that lake will lead to STD's, getting an extra tail, or seeing dead bodies. 2. Triathlon. What more needs to be said about that? I politely stayed out of it not once but twice but then the permanent line around my midsection from my pants being too tight began to force me into the abyss. Jeta talked all fancy to me and before I knew it I had enrolled in the stupid race. Naturally I convinced Old Man Myers to train with me.
She and Jeff have formulated some training schedule and so I printed it out and tried to convince myself that I knew how to ride a bike and if I was being chased I could no doubt run the required 3.1 miles and so all I had left to conquer was the silly swimming. So when that was the first item on the list I confidently announced that the Myers family would be heading to the pool. Upon hearing this my body protested and I instead wound up in bed with a fever.
Normally I would have taken this as a sign that my sedentary lifestyle must stay but again I got swept up in the fancy talk and so when it came back around on the training schedule I announced we were heading to the pool. Upon hearing this my body protested and instead of swimming I used my arm muscles to whip up a batch of rice krispy treats. I promised myself just one treat and we would go but one turned into twenty and then I realized that I would have to leave the house and so when the boys came down to tell me it was time to go swimming I instead bought them off with marshmallowy goodness.
Saturday marks the end of the training week and it also was the last day to swim so when I announced once more that the Myers would go get wet the boys got smart. They employed every guilt tactic they had and before my rational brain could convince me otherwise I found myself in the car headed to the pool. I only had to swim 200 yards. That is 8 laps. I have 8 fingers so I figured it can't be that many. Myers convinced me that there would be no one in the pool so I didn't have to worry about how dumb I was going to look. All things were looking up really. Then we got there
Turns out 6:15 on a Saturday night is the perfect time to go swim so naturally the placed was packed. The swim lane was being occupied by a girl who actually knew what she was doing so that was out. And wouldn't you know right next to her were two of the most fit 20 something boys you have ever seen butterfly stroking like it was the easiest thing in the world. On the other side of them were several families trying to teach their littles how to swim. I actually considered asking for a quick lesson. There was a small gap between the super fits and the super littles so we decided to swim into that gap. I hefted my overweight old lady bones into the water and shoved off with all the grace of a horse with a broken leg. I knew three strokes in that I was in big trouble but tried to convince myself that I could go 4 laps before I took a break. On the way back to the other side of the pool I tried to make eye contact with the lifeguard to let him know I was possibly at risk for drowning but he was busy ignoring me. I kept swimming at made it to the diving board where a kid was giving me a dirty look because he couldn't leap with me splashing around pretending to swim. I made it to the wall and turned for lap three. By this point I was saying a silent prayer that went a little something like dear Jesus don't let me die because I am not ready to meet you just yet. Half way through the pool I started to wonder if I was even moving and had a small panic attack but realized that I was because I was swallowing water at an alarming rate and I would never drink pee water on purpose which is EXACTLY what pool water is! When I hit the wall to turn for my forth lap I was beyond miserable. As I turned I formulated a plan to just scream at the lifeguard hey moron I am dying save me but it turns out I couldn't even breath enough to spit out anything so I kept going. You will never believe who I ran into again- yep the kid on the diving board who was still giving me dirty looks. If I had the energy I would have lectured him but I this point I had to prioritize. First priority not die so you know I let it slide.
After four laps I realized that my swimming partner wasn't swimming with me and I looked around to see Myers an unsettling shade of purple. I might not win any wife points but we are training so instead of asking if he was okay I simply said come on man we have 4 more laps.
The next four laps were as ugly as the first four and by the end when I got to the wall Thing One accidentally swam in front of me and for a split second I thought I was going to go under because I could not find the strength to swim around him. Obviously I didn't and some how some way managed to heave myself out of the pool and join my spouse for a coughing wheezing fit on the side of the pool. After sitting for a good 30 minutes we decided our legs would most likely hold us up and we went to get changed and leave. As he was exiting he passed the lifeguard who stopped him and said hey tell your wife I am really proud of her she did some really hard work out there. Yep turns out the lifeguard was watching me the whole time worried sick that he might have to jump in and save my sorry can. This is what one would call salt in an open wound.
Tonight we have to hit the pool again and I am sure it will not end well but if it does do you think you could do me a little favor and show up at Rigby Lake on July 8th with a knife and chase me so as I can maybe just maybe finish this thing? Exercise sucks.

Ding dong the witch is dead

A lot has happened around our parts in the last couple of weeks.

First and foremost we got rid of our rent a kitty. The deal was always that we would only have her until we left for vacation. I have to say if a person wants to have pets this is the route to take. It is a little weird to not have to worry about the finer details of animal ownership but as a whole we are settling back into our routine. We were not sure if she actually did her job whereas all she did was hide until the middle of the night and then announce her presence by clawing into the meaty flesh of our toes. We decided it was worth the risk and you can imagine my joy and or horror when we returned from vacation to find this

Personally I think that it was in search of the really good deal that the price tag on the floor eluded to but since 1) it is dead and 2) mice don't talk we will never really know. The family wanted me to come and verify that it was in fact the mouse but it turns out I really didn't spend enough time with it to describe it to a sketch artist. Old Man Myers did announce that it was male so fingers crossed it was the one and only!
Vacation was also a huge success and since I am too tired to actually give you a witty account here are some pictures which everyone knows is the best part of any blog.

Day one 

We went to Corona Del Mar the first day and our boys ended up in the middle of the ocean with all their clothes on.

Day 2 Legoland

The pool in Carlsbad. In hindsight we should have skipped Leogland and hung out here all day long!

Legoland. About five seconds after this was taken they were officially bored.

The boys had their first run in with In-N- out

Day 3 SeaWorld

We learned the hard way that California makes you buy grocery bags so we schlepped our crap out like hobos.

The boys had their own room and TV in San Diego but we found them like this one morning they had been there for hours!

These are bamboo sharks which you can pet. We had to goade this kid into it then I was forced to follow suit. This is why peer pressure is bad.

Thing 2 had ecactly zero problem touching things and I think he could have ended his experience at SeaWorld right here. 

After convincing this kid to leave the roller coaster located directly above the mantas he was handed some fish and got to feed them.

Our day ended after the boys took a river raft ride and ended up soaked

We drank $55 in frozen lemonade in one day- No surprise this kid hurled shortly after this picture

Day 4 San Diego Zoo

For his 12th Birthday we bought this guy a zoo experience that involved watching his spirit animal eat breakfast before the zoo opened to the public.

Giraffes

This was possibly the last time Thing 2 enjoyed himself at the zoo.

This pretty much sums up our day at the zoo.

They each bought a mask at a themed Mexican restaurant and wore these the rest of the trip

Days 5,6,7 Disneyland

The light parade came home and even though I scored us seats in the V.I.P. seating the boys were not impressed. Old Man Myers however was in heaven

Then came the rain

It rained 

and rained

and rained!

So recap vacation was fun and one animal was harmed in the making of this blog. To be fair though he totes deserved it.

This means war

For the last few months there has been a hot debate going on at our house. As you remember when you came to see us in October I saw a mouse meander out of our closet. I recall this event very vividly because it interrupted my morning whiz that I take whilst brushing my teeth to allow me an extra 2 minutes of sleep. I tried to scream around my toothbrush while lifting my feet off the floor. Both of these were losing battles and thus Old man Myers wasn't properly alerted and so the little creep got away.

He pretended to look for the stupid thing for like six seconds and then went back to bed. Something I can't fault him for because it was three thirty in the morning after all. Once he had all of his faculties about him he proceeded to try to convince me that I had imagined it. This went on for almost two months and I started to question if maybe I had.

At the end of December my best friend Klepich came to stay with us and wanting him to be impressed by my hospitality I removed all the linens from his bed to wash them so when he laid down it would smell like fresh laundry. Imagine my horror when I found mouse evidence under the pillows. I tried to be livid but secretly I felt vindicated so I cleaned up the mouse mess and bought some traps. Some pretend research yielded that mice like chocolate and peanut butter and wanting him to be impressed by my hospitality I baited his death hotels with Lindt chocolate.  He was not impressed and did not take the bait and to show his disgust wandered into my other two guest rooms as well. 

At this point it is now personal and so I went back to the store and bought two more types of traps, did more research and baited those traps and then waited.

Even after all of this Old man Myers was trying to convince me that this mouse had existed but was now gone or dead or on vacation. His reasoning was that we now had three of the finest models of traps on the market, all baited with varying levels of mice delicacies and still no actions so obviously he was gone.  

Again I was starting to question the existence but then this week I was laying in bed trying to decide if I was asleep when I heard myself talking so I knew I wasn't. I was asking about a noise and when my better half arose from his slumber and started to investigate it's origin the movement caused the weird gnawing noise to stop. This all but solidified in my mind every worst case scenario in the world. They were but not limited to a mouse crawling into bed with me and asking for a cookie. A mouse hurling himself in my general direction while holding a makeshift shiv made for the purpose of evening the score for killing his mouse cousin with a lawn mower. A mouse watching me sleep. Really the last one is the most terrifying of them all. Needless to say I didn't sleep that night.

In the morning it was decided that the mouse did exist and that it was living in the vents which is why he was not taking the bait.

So I did the only rational a thing a human being could do. I got this. 

So far cat ownership is not going well for me.  As soon as we brought her into the house she bolted under the bed. This resulted in Thing 2 and I trying to coax her out for over 20 minutes. He would get close and she would glare then walk to a section of the bed that was un- reachable. At one point I had placed ham on the gun under the bed and tired to lure her out using that. Oddly she didn't go for cold cuts offered up on the butt of a cameo gun. Looking back it's probably because the camouflage worked too well. Eventually we blinded me with the light on my cell phone and Thing 2 was dying of the black lung and she took pity on us an allowed herself to be caught. I immediately took her to the bathroom to bathe her. Turns out trying to give a cat a bath is a really crappy idea. Giving a sacred cat a bath is an even crappier one. She tried to bite me and I allowed her to because I was holding her talons down but things took a turn when she also got those free. At one point I think she had a whole finger in her mouth and three sets of claws in varying places in my arm. I was bleeding and screaming for backup. I was hoping for Myers to rescue me but Thing 2 showed up and on the advice of his brother offered this soaked angry cat some cheese. That bitch showed her appreciation by clawing him to. She was full on hanging from his arm which caused him to scream which caused her to freak out even more. Eventually the blood bath came to an end and the cat went back to hiding and I was grateful.

That night at family prayer I prayed that she would catch the mouse and Thing 2 laughed and asked mid prayer if I was really praying. I was and with no irony. Don't worry though she is paying us back for her rough entrance into this house by meowing at ear shattering decibels all night long. 

So lets recap . I was right the mouse real and as a result here I sit scratched and paranoid. Somehow I don't think I am winning this round.

Timber

This year Thing 2 is in the fourth grade. At first I thought my biggest concern was going to be the fact that I remember a lot from my fourth grade year and so I was going to have to be more careful with my rants and actually learn how to be a mom. Little did I know the real problem was going to come in the form of a gift.
Turns out the Obama administration passed an initiative that allows all fourth graders nation wide access to every national park for an entire year. The hope is that it will generate an interest in nature and dissuade the little tykes from spending inordinate amounts of time in front of screens. As an extra bonus it is a way to really tick me off since you know it's nature and all.
As one can imagine this has been a highlight of our fourth graders year and he carries his pass around on a lanyard and recites the rules of his pass to me at every opportunity. It has kinda of become white noise and I do the appropriate mom response of saying things like wow honey that's neat and sure thing pal we could totally do that sometime soon. During one of our little interchanges the excitement level reached fever pitch and as I was processing what was going on I realized that I had accidentally agreed to go out and chop down our own Christmas tree which turns out is one of the perks of the pass.
Since the fateful conversation he has given me a full list of all the reasons why this is a good plan.  The first one being that he was going to save me money since you know I wouldn't have to buy a tree this year. He is conveniently overlooking the fact that I never buy a tree since I have an artificial tree that sits under the stairs all year long but who needs logic in a situation like this? Neither one of us had to work on black Friday so we decided it was as good a day as any to venture into the wild. Here is the account.
11:10- We all get showered  and dressed and eat a sensible brunch of turkey sandwiches and left over pecan pie and then start to pack the car. It requires no less then 3 pairs of snow pants for two boys 5 pairs of gloves and 6 winter coats of varying heaviness. We then pull out of the driveway to buy a saw.
11:11- I remember that I saw a coupon for the ace and since we are trying to save money insist that we pull back into the driveway so I can find it.
11:13 -I now have the coupon in hand and we are really off
11:20- We check out at ACE after buying the only saw that they have for $8.10 thanks to my coupon
12:00- We arrive at the ranger station that we need to obtain our permit and Thing 2 is beaming at saving me $15.
12:01- We begin the back tracking to nature. That's right we had to drive all the way to Idaho Falls to pick up a pink tag to then turn around and drive back to Rexburg to chop the tree down. This is our government in action
12:41- We are back in our driveway so we can get a tarp to aid in the tree dragging process how it didn't make it in during our over packing phase is a mystery.
12:50 We have cleared the township of Rexburg and Thing 1 is already asking if we are there yet and starts pointing out anything that is green and could pass as a tree if you squinted.
1:23 We pass a ranger station in Ashton and I get angry inside
1:35 We are now in the Targhee National forest and now the trees are fair game. We turn on a side road and drive clear down into a snow filled canyon and find nothing but a few animal tracks which our boy scout wants to follow.
1:40- We have now left the canyon and found another trail that leads two feet into a field but see a tree and honestly contemplate just taking it
1:50- We are now on another poorly marked trail but we decide that there are enough trees to choose from and we exit the vehicle and gear up.
1:52- Thing 2 is confused about what our mission is and starts asking if we can scrap the tree idea and instead start a weasel hunting expedition.
1:53- I have to remind Thing 2 to stop swinging the saw around before some one gets hurt
1:54-  I have to remind Thing 2 to stop swinging the saw around before some one gets hurt
1:55-  I have to remind Thing 2 to stop swinging the saw around before some one gets hurt
1:58- We spot a tree and we think its perfect only to get to it and realize it is missing one whole side
2:00- Find another tree with the exact same problem as before but I am freezing since Thing 1 is wearing my boots and I am hoarse from reminding my child that he could kill someone and instantly lower my standards.
2:10- Timber! We have a tree but no weasel but we still call it a day
2:40- Stop at Walmart to buy a tree stand for $7.95 and cry a little when I realize that my money saving son has actually cost me more money then the tag goes for.

As a special thank you for freezing my yiblets off yesterday I was awakened first thing this morning by a panicked nine year old who needed to inform me before the sun was even up that his tree wasn't drinking. I am not at all looking forward to the next 30 days or so. Christmas who needs it?

leave your marx

I am not sure if I have told you but this is our last year of elementary school. For a little bit I was all upset about it what with my kids getting older and all. Worry not though I have found a loop hole which has taken my self pity to self congratulations. You see Thing One did his last year at the same school that Thing Two has found himself in. Turns out that Just as the tradition of elementary schools having a strong odor of hamster and urine the homework is also a part of the learning tradition. Two years ago I was googling the crap out of all of the ridiculous assignments that were coming home and putting forth my best effort. Now it has become old hat.
Last week I was informed that it was Veterans day- the war fighting kind not the animal saving kind. There was a veteran to be found and researched, a report written about their service and a poster to prove that they were in fact real. My laziness and inability to throw out poster board came in handy because I totes recycled the exact same poster and report that we turned in for Thing One. I am choosing to Ignore the fact that the silly thing collected dust under my bed for 2 years and instead putting a firm check in the win pile.
I am experiencing a little deja vu this week in the form of the great turkey disguise project, only this time I wasn't smart enough to save the first bird so we had to go back to the drawing board.
I kicked around a few ideas and mentioned them to the actual student who didn't seem all that interested in actually doing his homework until I finally just took the reigns. I may have fallen down a rabbit hole while doing my google search and somehow decided that Groucho Marx was a perfect disguise. This was a two part project and required a persuasive letter to convince the folks not to eat his pretend turkey. So as I was cutting and gluing in peace he was trying to write his paper. He kept asking me over and over again who the guy was and after showing his picture after picture I finally gave him a rough outline of what his paper should be about. I tell you it was super clever and included things about how his lack of talking would take away from the fun of eating him and so on and so forth. It only occurred to me AFTER he had written the whole thing that I had confused him with Charlie Chaplin. Needless to say the nine year old was not impressed. We reworked a few things and I am sure people won't know his mom was a little drunk and couldn't even keep two separate characters from two different decades straight.
Given that the project is due tomorrow we came down to finish putting the final touches on the thing and after examining him he informed me that he needed to have a cigar. I tried to explain that promoting smoking in elementary school was a bad idea.He didn't see it that way and after trying to reason with him for a few moments I realized two things. 1. I am too tired to deal with this crap. 2. I should probably never have been given kids.
So while the first turkey looked like this

This years turkey looks like this.

I guess no mother of the year award for me- suprise suprise

Boo Hoo

Life has gotten a little crazy around these parts which of course meant the first thing to go was this little project. I could come up with excuses but you are not here for excuses. I am pretty sure the reason you are here is poor grammar and run on sentences so shall we move forward.
I am being forced to come to terms with the fact that I am getting old. At first I pretended that I liked that. It started by embracing the wrinkles that are permanently etching themselves into my albino flesh. I told myself that they made me look more refined, more authentic. Then I realized that that was just tired Chris talking and she belongs locked up in some sort of well padded room. Then I tried to convince myself that getting older meant I was closer to retirement, then I checked my bank account and died a little inside. The final blow however came this year when the effects of me aging meant that my children are also aging and that slowly but surely the doors of their childhood are slamming shut.
The most painful of those doors thus far has been Halloween. As per tradition of stopping with the old trick or treating game at 12 it meant that this was Thing One's last time going door to door. I tried to put it out of my mind as I created one of the most epic costumes I have ever crafted but as the night loomed closer there was this gnawing feeling of despair. Then since he is my child he decided to kick a guy while he was down and asked to forgo Halloween night with Gram and Pops so he could trick or treat in his own neighborhood for the very last time. Like a dope I agreed. I tried to soothe that pain by dropping 60 bucks on Halloween candy which BTW I did not crack into until the actual night of Halloween. I deserve a medal please and thank you.
Despite my best attempts time marched forward and before I knew it the big night arrived. I had visions in my head as to how things were going to go and of course the reality was miles away from the expectations. I got left at home to pass out the candy and my kid didn't even look back.
Halloween has always meant a rowdy crowd and a group picture in front of the house. It is sitting back and watching Pops pace with excitement peaking through the window and calling out which candy he needs as per his algorithm which helps him decide which child deserves what particular treat. Its listening to Ma try to goad us into drinking her twenty two gallons of wasil. It's a constant stream of old friends and their kids and noise and chaos. This year was markedly different. By the end it was just Thing One and I walking our neighborhood, the neighborhood we waited a decade to belong to. Hand and hand I took my boy on his last adventure. It was quiet and dignified unlike the whimpering that followed later that night once he had passed out in a sugar induced coma. So while my mom heart is breaking wide open here is a recap of years past. If I wasn't such a disorganized slag I would have all of them but I changed computers as often as I changed addresses which is to say A LOT! So in the spirit of Halloween I am going to dress the part of an emotionally stable women when in reality I am the crazy cat lady chasing the evaporating moments of my kids youth.