Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Not so super Mario!



So it turns out that you have discovered my little secret. I am a flake and I often forget about obligations that I should probably make a priority. This is why I am personally responsible for the death of several poor helpless house plants. Truth be told if my children did not make copious amounts of noise they too would probably suffer from the same fate. I could pretend that I am going to play catch up on all that you missed which means that you were not paying attention six seconds ago?  So onward and upward mmkay mmkay.
This weekend I had to leave town for some good old training for my other job. You know the one that makes me a complete hypocrite. Because you know lots of people make desserts for a living and then earn extra spending cash by telling people how to live a lifestyle that promotes weight loss. This meant that Myers was at home with the boys for a whole Saturday and bless his little heart if he did not make every little boy wish come true in one day. Sugar for breakfast absolutely. Burritos and soda for lunch you betcha! Sledding until you no longer remember what color you should be why not! Video games and trash food until the wee hours of the night check. Ok in fairness wee hours of the night means 8:15 to me because I am that awesome. In order to fulfill the final request he was forced to take them to the nerd cave in order to fix the Mario Kart that was long ago scratched until it resembled the record that inspired the hit song two turn tables and a microphone.  This in itself was like winning the lottery since my level of amazingness makes it impossible for me to enter that store. This is also a lie. It is really the snake that they keep on the counter. Seriously though, do the boys that frequent a video game slash LAM party headquarters think that it is wise to also invest in a reptile that repeals the female species even more than their awkwardness a good idea? But I digress. Our disc was so scratched it took 20 spins through the machine to get it to work again but thank Stan Lee that it did! The boys came home and played until their eyes started to dry out and their fingers looked like those of the men who work on crabbing boats.
This as it turns out produces unwanted side effects that manifest themselves as two boys who are completely and totally out of control. So the next day Brice had to inform them that he was going to take the cord to the WII away so that they would be encouraged to head back out in the daylight. This resulted in an epic meltdown which I will give you the highlights of.

  • ·         The boys immediately start to  emit a cry that sounds less like a whimper and more like a siren that would notify a patron of such catastrophic events as Chernobyl imploding

  • ·         The crying gives way to flailing on the floor and announcing how unfair life is

  • ·         When the use of the word life is used suddenly they realize that they were mistaken life is not unfair it is ruined

  • ·         Update on the life situation it is actually over

  • ·         Now I am hearing an itemized list of why parents suck or are dumb or something along those lines

  • ·         When they realize that I am not actually buying that I suck they begin to make ideal threats which include I am not going to ever do my homework again, I am not going to brush my teeth, I am not going to eat blah blah blah

  • ·         At this point they have now been corralled into their bedrooms so now Thing one is making a bed in the corner since he is going to teach me a lesson by not sleeping in his comfortable bed

  • ·         Thing two is not really into solidarity so rather than sleep on the floor he is choosing to continue on with the high pitch wail. In truth I am shocked that you didn’t call to ask what was wrong along with half of the free world who I am sure heard said fiasco

  • ·          As a last ditch effort they begin to plead and bargain. I was offered the following- their DS for a whole month, all of their toys, all of their allowance, complete obedience for the rest of their lives. In hindsight I should have opted for the last one and gotten it in writing.

  • ·         Speaking of writing Thing 1 also asked if he could write a paper in which he would try to persuade me to allow him to continue the use of the WII. Those were his exact words BTW

  • ·         Thing 2 was sick and Myers needed to check his temperature and could not find the thermometer. Thing 1 insisted that he knew where it was and was never going to tell him where it was and then started to announce that if they were playing hot or cold he would be ice cold. Then for the next ten minutes would randomly scream out you are freezing up! I am not ever going to tell you where it is until you let me play video games! Joke was on him it was on my nightstand and nowhere near where he just knew it was.

Eventually I turned the lights off and they went to bed. Remember how I told you that I am kind of a flake? Well it turns out the boys have figured this out to and the very next day they were back to the WII on account of Myers not taking the power cord with them. Why do I bring this up you might ask. Well because this is the how the second day of playing went.
After fifteen minutes thing 2 screams down the stairs MOM ETHAN IS SAYING THE F WORD! I thought to myself surely this is not the F word. So I ask which one to which he spells back the F dash dash dash word and it wasn’t fudge! It was in fact the mother of all swear words. For a split second I thought I should be proud of his spelling but then remembered the real issue.
So what have we learned from this very long story?
Nerds are ruining my life and ruining my shot of mother of the year- POOP!

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