Lord of the flies

I hate whole bananas. I will eat them if they are blended into a smoothie or baked into a bread but the texture of them is awful. I want to like them. They are cheap and really portable and apparently chock full of good things for you.  Every couple of years I try to convince myself that I have grown as a person and that maybe just maybe I can eat one whole. This always ends in me gagging two bites in and muscling through with quivering chin much to the delight of my children.
With that being said only primate houses purchase more bananas then I do in a week. They are a hot commodity at our house and I am happy to chuck those nasty buggers in my cart and then never pay attention to them again.
A few weeks ago for some unknown reason there were 2 bunches of bananas that weren't eaten. Old Man Myers declared that he would be making banana bread. Observe how he didn't ask me to make banana bread but made a declarative statement. I went about my day  basking in how glorious my spouse is that not only does he help with the household chores but that he was going to bake as well.
As you know I have the attention span of a goldfish and as soon as the conversation was over I had nearly forgotten that it happened. Big mistake. Three days later those same bananas were still in the cupboard but instead of a happy shade of yellow they were a disturbing hue of black. I checked in with him about the promise of banana bread and again received a yes I am going to make that. You can then imagine my horror when another 2 days passed and the same bananas were there. Realizing that I had been punked out I picked them up to throw them out. That is when I was accosted by at least 6 million fruit flies.
I have never had to deal with fruit flies and as luck would have it my first encounter is with a dadgum infestation. We have tried everything. Old Man Myers bought fogging spray to kill them. I thought it was over kill and teased him that he was bringing a gun to a knife fight. Turns out he didn't. Even though I sacrificed being out of my house for three hours and having to rewash every dish in the cupboard and wiping down every surface it didn't work. Then I bought these traps at the  walmart and figured that that would do the trick. In a show of defiance all those little creeps did was sit on the top of the trap never actually going in. Then I went on the old interweb and asked how to make my own traps since obviously the ones I bought were made of substandard material. It suggested cider vinegar in the bottom of a jar. You know what that did. Made my kitchen smell like vinegar and made me the laughing stock of the fly community for being so naive. I then went and watched a tutorial on youtube just in case I had somehow not fully understood the inner workings of  how to pour liquid into a vessel. They suggested making a cone out of paper and that if I was serious that instead of fruit or vinegar making a solution of yeast and sugar. Desperate I agreed. This was an unmitigated disaster as I underestimated the growing power of yeast and it quickly saturated my cone thus rendering it useless. With none of the traps working I have taken to flapping my arms in the air and then trying to smash them between my giant neanderthal hands. I know what I am doing but I am sure to the outside world it must look like I have lost my everloving mind as I am swinging my ape arms and clapping with reckless abandon.
I didn't think that things could get any worse but yesterday when I opened up the pantry to pull things out to make dinner I was shown that they indeed could. Right there on top of the trap that was supposed to be helping me rid the problem were two flies caught up in a fly sexual encounter. I guess fly poison is a turn on for some? Or perhaps they were just pre-verts that wanted to get caught cuz of the thrill and all. I did the only rational thing and turned a cup over the trap. Luckily for me they were much too busy to notice. Hope they enjoy their new abode when there new crop of miscreant children flies arrive.
To add insult to injury I then had to explain to both Thing One and Two why there was a cup in there and then threaten bodily harm if they were to flip it and let those fornicators out. Try to keep a straight face while explaining fly copulation. I hope Mother Nature is really pleased with herself this week. On the upside I am getting really good at the clapping. Iffin' you ever need me to cheer you on all it will take is two bunches of ripe bananas and empty promises of baked goods.

Tri And Stop Me

Recently I was the recipient of a Hardy family group text. Normally I try to ignore these encounters because it almost always ends up with someone involved in the conversation showing off some form of nudity. If by some miracle there is no naked bits shown one can at least count on a million notifications coming through since there are six million of us. The topic of this particular group convo was about the upcoming sprint triathlon held at the Rigby lake. There were a coupe of things wrong with this. 1. swimming in that lake will lead to STD's, getting an extra tail, or seeing dead bodies. 2. Triathlon. What more needs to be said about that? I politely stayed out of it not once but twice but then the permanent line around my midsection from my pants being too tight began to force me into the abyss. Jeta talked all fancy to me and before I knew it I had enrolled in the stupid race. Naturally I convinced Old Man Myers to train with me.
She and Jeff have formulated some training schedule and so I printed it out and tried to convince myself that I knew how to ride a bike and if I was being chased I could no doubt run the required 3.1 miles and so all I had left to conquer was the silly swimming. So when that was the first item on the list I confidently announced that the Myers family would be heading to the pool. Upon hearing this my body protested and I instead wound up in bed with a fever.
Normally I would have taken this as a sign that my sedentary lifestyle must stay but again I got swept up in the fancy talk and so when it came back around on the training schedule I announced we were heading to the pool. Upon hearing this my body protested and instead of swimming I used my arm muscles to whip up a batch of rice krispy treats. I promised myself just one treat and we would go but one turned into twenty and then I realized that I would have to leave the house and so when the boys came down to tell me it was time to go swimming I instead bought them off with marshmallowy goodness.
Saturday marks the end of the training week and it also was the last day to swim so when I announced once more that the Myers would go get wet the boys got smart. They employed every guilt tactic they had and before my rational brain could convince me otherwise I found myself in the car headed to the pool. I only had to swim 200 yards. That is 8 laps. I have 8 fingers so I figured it can't be that many. Myers convinced me that there would be no one in the pool so I didn't have to worry about how dumb I was going to look. All things were looking up really. Then we got there
Turns out 6:15 on a Saturday night is the perfect time to go swim so naturally the placed was packed. The swim lane was being occupied by a girl who actually knew what she was doing so that was out. And wouldn't you know right next to her were two of the most fit 20 something boys you have ever seen butterfly stroking like it was the easiest thing in the world. On the other side of them were several families trying to teach their littles how to swim. I actually considered asking for a quick lesson. There was a small gap between the super fits and the super littles so we decided to swim into that gap. I hefted my overweight old lady bones into the water and shoved off with all the grace of a horse with a broken leg. I knew three strokes in that I was in big trouble but tried to convince myself that I could go 4 laps before I took a break. On the way back to the other side of the pool I tried to make eye contact with the lifeguard to let him know I was possibly at risk for drowning but he was busy ignoring me. I kept swimming at made it to the diving board where a kid was giving me a dirty look because he couldn't leap with me splashing around pretending to swim. I made it to the wall and turned for lap three. By this point I was saying a silent prayer that went a little something like dear Jesus don't let me die because I am not ready to meet you just yet. Half way through the pool I started to wonder if I was even moving and had a small panic attack but realized that I was because I was swallowing water at an alarming rate and I would never drink pee water on purpose which is EXACTLY what pool water is! When I hit the wall to turn for my forth lap I was beyond miserable. As I turned I formulated a plan to just scream at the lifeguard hey moron I am dying save me but it turns out I couldn't even breath enough to spit out anything so I kept going. You will never believe who I ran into again- yep the kid on the diving board who was still giving me dirty looks. If I had the energy I would have lectured him but I this point I had to prioritize. First priority not die so you know I let it slide.
After four laps I realized that my swimming partner wasn't swimming with me and I looked around to see Myers an unsettling shade of purple. I might not win any wife points but we are training so instead of asking if he was okay I simply said come on man we have 4 more laps.
The next four laps were as ugly as the first four and by the end when I got to the wall Thing One accidentally swam in front of me and for a split second I thought I was going to go under because I could not find the strength to swim around him. Obviously I didn't and some how some way managed to heave myself out of the pool and join my spouse for a coughing wheezing fit on the side of the pool. After sitting for a good 30 minutes we decided our legs would most likely hold us up and we went to get changed and leave. As he was exiting he passed the lifeguard who stopped him and said hey tell your wife I am really proud of her she did some really hard work out there. Yep turns out the lifeguard was watching me the whole time worried sick that he might have to jump in and save my sorry can. This is what one would call salt in an open wound.
Tonight we have to hit the pool again and I am sure it will not end well but if it does do you think you could do me a little favor and show up at Rigby Lake on July 8th with a knife and chase me so as I can maybe just maybe finish this thing? Exercise sucks.

Ding dong the witch is dead

A lot has happened around our parts in the last couple of weeks.

First and foremost we got rid of our rent a kitty. The deal was always that we would only have her until we left for vacation. I have to say if a person wants to have pets this is the route to take. It is a little weird to not have to worry about the finer details of animal ownership but as a whole we are settling back into our routine. We were not sure if she actually did her job whereas all she did was hide until the middle of the night and then announce her presence by clawing into the meaty flesh of our toes. We decided it was worth the risk and you can imagine my joy and or horror when we returned from vacation to find this

Personally I think that it was in search of the really good deal that the price tag on the floor eluded to but since 1) it is dead and 2) mice don't talk we will never really know. The family wanted me to come and verify that it was in fact the mouse but it turns out I really didn't spend enough time with it to describe it to a sketch artist. Old Man Myers did announce that it was male so fingers crossed it was the one and only!
Vacation was also a huge success and since I am too tired to actually give you a witty account here are some pictures which everyone knows is the best part of any blog.

Day one 

We went to Corona Del Mar the first day and our boys ended up in the middle of the ocean with all their clothes on.

Day 2 Legoland

The pool in Carlsbad. In hindsight we should have skipped Leogland and hung out here all day long!

Legoland. About five seconds after this was taken they were officially bored.

The boys had their first run in with In-N- out

Day 3 SeaWorld

We learned the hard way that California makes you buy grocery bags so we schlepped our crap out like hobos.

The boys had their own room and TV in San Diego but we found them like this one morning they had been there for hours!

These are bamboo sharks which you can pet. We had to goade this kid into it then I was forced to follow suit. This is why peer pressure is bad.

Thing 2 had ecactly zero problem touching things and I think he could have ended his experience at SeaWorld right here. 

After convincing this kid to leave the roller coaster located directly above the mantas he was handed some fish and got to feed them.

Our day ended after the boys took a river raft ride and ended up soaked

We drank $55 in frozen lemonade in one day- No surprise this kid hurled shortly after this picture

Day 4 San Diego Zoo

For his 12th Birthday we bought this guy a zoo experience that involved watching his spirit animal eat breakfast before the zoo opened to the public.

Giraffes

This was possibly the last time Thing 2 enjoyed himself at the zoo.

This pretty much sums up our day at the zoo.

They each bought a mask at a themed Mexican restaurant and wore these the rest of the trip

Days 5,6,7 Disneyland

The light parade came home and even though I scored us seats in the V.I.P. seating the boys were not impressed. Old Man Myers however was in heaven

Then came the rain

It rained 

and rained

and rained!

So recap vacation was fun and one animal was harmed in the making of this blog. To be fair though he totes deserved it.

This means war

For the last few months there has been a hot debate going on at our house. As you remember when you came to see us in October I saw a mouse meander out of our closet. I recall this event very vividly because it interrupted my morning whiz that I take whilst brushing my teeth to allow me an extra 2 minutes of sleep. I tried to scream around my toothbrush while lifting my feet off the floor. Both of these were losing battles and thus Old man Myers wasn't properly alerted and so the little creep got away.

He pretended to look for the stupid thing for like six seconds and then went back to bed. Something I can't fault him for because it was three thirty in the morning after all. Once he had all of his faculties about him he proceeded to try to convince me that I had imagined it. This went on for almost two months and I started to question if maybe I had.

At the end of December my best friend Klepich came to stay with us and wanting him to be impressed by my hospitality I removed all the linens from his bed to wash them so when he laid down it would smell like fresh laundry. Imagine my horror when I found mouse evidence under the pillows. I tried to be livid but secretly I felt vindicated so I cleaned up the mouse mess and bought some traps. Some pretend research yielded that mice like chocolate and peanut butter and wanting him to be impressed by my hospitality I baited his death hotels with Lindt chocolate.  He was not impressed and did not take the bait and to show his disgust wandered into my other two guest rooms as well. 

At this point it is now personal and so I went back to the store and bought two more types of traps, did more research and baited those traps and then waited.

Even after all of this Old man Myers was trying to convince me that this mouse had existed but was now gone or dead or on vacation. His reasoning was that we now had three of the finest models of traps on the market, all baited with varying levels of mice delicacies and still no actions so obviously he was gone.  

Again I was starting to question the existence but then this week I was laying in bed trying to decide if I was asleep when I heard myself talking so I knew I wasn't. I was asking about a noise and when my better half arose from his slumber and started to investigate it's origin the movement caused the weird gnawing noise to stop. This all but solidified in my mind every worst case scenario in the world. They were but not limited to a mouse crawling into bed with me and asking for a cookie. A mouse hurling himself in my general direction while holding a makeshift shiv made for the purpose of evening the score for killing his mouse cousin with a lawn mower. A mouse watching me sleep. Really the last one is the most terrifying of them all. Needless to say I didn't sleep that night.

In the morning it was decided that the mouse did exist and that it was living in the vents which is why he was not taking the bait.

So I did the only rational a thing a human being could do. I got this. 

So far cat ownership is not going well for me.  As soon as we brought her into the house she bolted under the bed. This resulted in Thing 2 and I trying to coax her out for over 20 minutes. He would get close and she would glare then walk to a section of the bed that was un- reachable. At one point I had placed ham on the gun under the bed and tired to lure her out using that. Oddly she didn't go for cold cuts offered up on the butt of a cameo gun. Looking back it's probably because the camouflage worked too well. Eventually we blinded me with the light on my cell phone and Thing 2 was dying of the black lung and she took pity on us an allowed herself to be caught. I immediately took her to the bathroom to bathe her. Turns out trying to give a cat a bath is a really crappy idea. Giving a sacred cat a bath is an even crappier one. She tried to bite me and I allowed her to because I was holding her talons down but things took a turn when she also got those free. At one point I think she had a whole finger in her mouth and three sets of claws in varying places in my arm. I was bleeding and screaming for backup. I was hoping for Myers to rescue me but Thing 2 showed up and on the advice of his brother offered this soaked angry cat some cheese. That bitch showed her appreciation by clawing him to. She was full on hanging from his arm which caused him to scream which caused her to freak out even more. Eventually the blood bath came to an end and the cat went back to hiding and I was grateful.

That night at family prayer I prayed that she would catch the mouse and Thing 2 laughed and asked mid prayer if I was really praying. I was and with no irony. Don't worry though she is paying us back for her rough entrance into this house by meowing at ear shattering decibels all night long. 

So lets recap . I was right the mouse real and as a result here I sit scratched and paranoid. Somehow I don't think I am winning this round.