Lord of the flies

I hate whole bananas. I will eat them if they are blended into a smoothie or baked into a bread but the texture of them is awful. I want to like them. They are cheap and really portable and apparently chock full of good things for you.  Every couple of years I try to convince myself that I have grown as a person and that maybe just maybe I can eat one whole. This always ends in me gagging two bites in and muscling through with quivering chin much to the delight of my children.
With that being said only primate houses purchase more bananas then I do in a week. They are a hot commodity at our house and I am happy to chuck those nasty buggers in my cart and then never pay attention to them again.
A few weeks ago for some unknown reason there were 2 bunches of bananas that weren't eaten. Old Man Myers declared that he would be making banana bread. Observe how he didn't ask me to make banana bread but made a declarative statement. I went about my day  basking in how glorious my spouse is that not only does he help with the household chores but that he was going to bake as well.
As you know I have the attention span of a goldfish and as soon as the conversation was over I had nearly forgotten that it happened. Big mistake. Three days later those same bananas were still in the cupboard but instead of a happy shade of yellow they were a disturbing hue of black. I checked in with him about the promise of banana bread and again received a yes I am going to make that. You can then imagine my horror when another 2 days passed and the same bananas were there. Realizing that I had been punked out I picked them up to throw them out. That is when I was accosted by at least 6 million fruit flies.
I have never had to deal with fruit flies and as luck would have it my first encounter is with a dadgum infestation. We have tried everything. Old Man Myers bought fogging spray to kill them. I thought it was over kill and teased him that he was bringing a gun to a knife fight. Turns out he didn't. Even though I sacrificed being out of my house for three hours and having to rewash every dish in the cupboard and wiping down every surface it didn't work. Then I bought these traps at the  walmart and figured that that would do the trick. In a show of defiance all those little creeps did was sit on the top of the trap never actually going in. Then I went on the old interweb and asked how to make my own traps since obviously the ones I bought were made of substandard material. It suggested cider vinegar in the bottom of a jar. You know what that did. Made my kitchen smell like vinegar and made me the laughing stock of the fly community for being so naive. I then went and watched a tutorial on youtube just in case I had somehow not fully understood the inner workings of  how to pour liquid into a vessel. They suggested making a cone out of paper and that if I was serious that instead of fruit or vinegar making a solution of yeast and sugar. Desperate I agreed. This was an unmitigated disaster as I underestimated the growing power of yeast and it quickly saturated my cone thus rendering it useless. With none of the traps working I have taken to flapping my arms in the air and then trying to smash them between my giant neanderthal hands. I know what I am doing but I am sure to the outside world it must look like I have lost my everloving mind as I am swinging my ape arms and clapping with reckless abandon.
I didn't think that things could get any worse but yesterday when I opened up the pantry to pull things out to make dinner I was shown that they indeed could. Right there on top of the trap that was supposed to be helping me rid the problem were two flies caught up in a fly sexual encounter. I guess fly poison is a turn on for some? Or perhaps they were just pre-verts that wanted to get caught cuz of the thrill and all. I did the only rational thing and turned a cup over the trap. Luckily for me they were much too busy to notice. Hope they enjoy their new abode when there new crop of miscreant children flies arrive.
To add insult to injury I then had to explain to both Thing One and Two why there was a cup in there and then threaten bodily harm if they were to flip it and let those fornicators out. Try to keep a straight face while explaining fly copulation. I hope Mother Nature is really pleased with herself this week. On the upside I am getting really good at the clapping. Iffin' you ever need me to cheer you on all it will take is two bunches of ripe bananas and empty promises of baked goods.