So it turns out that last week was pioneer day and since I
practically work for Jesus it was a paid day off for me. I am not even sure
what pioneer day is about but I don’t think getting caught up in semantics when
a free day off of work is hanging in the balance is really necessary so I
happily took it. Normally I would use the time off to catch up on really
important things like drinking lots of caffeine and binge watching some
ridiculous television show; but my sweet co-workers decided that they had a
better plan for me. They decided that we
should go on an unsanctioned employee float trip down the river. I should have
known it was a bad idea when we were not allowed to call it a work party so
that the university would not be held liable in the event of some catastrophe.
If the threat of death didn’t clue me in I should have at least declined on
account of it being held in nature. You know that I hate nature. I can
appreciate all the splendor, and marvel at the Good Lord’s creations but I would
rather do both of those activities indoors safe from the less then desirable
trial run creations. You know like mosquitoes and cats. I however was guilt
tripped into attending said party. They know guilt is like my kryptonite and I
was exploited. Here now is my account of the trip.
We were supposed to drop into the water at 1:00 but since we
were going with a group of Mormons we ended up hitting the water closer to
1:30. Not to worry though I used that spare half hour responsibly and managed
to eat at least three pounds of dirt thanks to the gale force winds that had
picked up. I am not sure if dirt is nutritious but anything to stave off hunger
right?
1:31pm- We arrive at the water’s edge of the warm river and
prepare ourselves for the voyage. My good friend Jenn who actually organized
the trip advised that we tie our tubes to the boys and so I dutifully obeyed.
After all she is a veteran and I a mere rookie. It felt like this task took at
least fifteen minutes when in reality it was like two. I am sure that watching Myers and I try to
negotiate 4 tubes that are each 53 inches in diameter was a hilarious sight.
1:33pm- We fling our strand of four tubes in the water and I
put Thing 1 and 2 on the outside tubes and Myers and I take the two center
tubes. It should be said that warm river is a total misnomer. It should really
be called ice cold river full of fish poop but I suppose that that would be
hard to sell to travelers. The water was FREEZING! It was the kind of cold that
makes you suck in air so violently that you are afraid that the hole in the
ozone layer was enlarged. Turns out that
the only thing worse than cold water is cold water that is touching your
yiblets. All the other floaters tried to convince me that eventually my
extremities would go numb and then the temperature wouldn’t matter. At this
point I was committed so I took their words of advice and gritted my teeth.
1:35pm- I am pretty sure the first stages of hypothermia had
set in and so I decided that I would embrace nature and enjoy my trip.
1:47pm- Our tubes decided that floating in a straight line
was stupid so the four of us were all facing in different directions. I got my
tube to flip around just in time to see a felled tree perched in the water.
Myers instructed me to help him paddle away from the tree but given the fact
that I am a land locked Idahoan I am pretty sure that I just paddle in the
opposite direction that he was so we ended up going straight into the tree. At
this point we got slightly wedged in its menacing branches. I am sure that
getting one tube out would be no problem; four tied together is a different
story. As I begin to realize that there was a distinct possibility that we
might flip over I begin to panic a little bit.
Right before we walked out the door I asked Myers if I should grab the
lifejackets. His response was why the water is barely four feet deep in areas
so I left them behind. Now here we were with two kids who don’t know how to
swim, a fast moving river, and two parents who apparently have decided to take
on the parenting style of a neglectful bear. Luckily the kids were scared and
hung on for dear life and we managed to release our train with only a
laceration on my foot and a couple fifteen scraps on Brice’s shins.
1:50pm- I have just about calmed Myers back down after our
first brush with death when I see a rock. I warn him of the upcoming obstacle
and again paddle in the opposite direction from him and we end up hitting the
rock dead on. Thing one and I are on one side and Thing two and Brice are on
the other and the water is rolling over us at wicked high speeds. We don’t know
how deep the water is, aren’t sure of the footing underneath us, can’t untie
the tubes from one another and they are cinching ever tighter together, and
again have two kids with no life jackets and no skill set in the swimming
department. I talk Thing two into climbing into his brother’s tube the whole
time praying that he safely makes it and then I start to wish that I was
MacGyver. Surly his mullet would be able to get us out of this mess by its
sheer awesomeness. After a few minutes
and a whole lot of freaking out later Brice hopped off his tube and flung both
empty tubes over the rock and then dove back into his tube. By this point all hopes of a peaceful trip
have flown out the window.
2:10pm- we have made it a whole twenty minutes without a
major disaster but I am noticing that I am sitting really low. I bring this to
Brice’s attention and that is when we realized that somewhere between the tree
and the rock I have popped my tube. That sucker was fifteen bucks and
apparently can’t withstand a few extremely sharp objects? Lame. This requires
our balancing act of throwing the two kids together once more and me sliding
from my popped tube into the vacant tube.
While I was in the middle of all of this I was bitten by a horse fly and
my whole arm began to swell up. I of course did the only rational thing and ended
up swearing loudly in front of my children.
2:30pm- I hit a rock
2:33pm-I get stabbed by a stick
2:35pm- I start to turn blue because of the combo of frigid
water, high winds and a soaking wet t-shirt
2:40pm- I start to wonder if I will ever see dry land again
2:45pm- I start to consider switching religions because I am
pretty sure the Lutheran’s don’t celebrate pioneer day
The next hour kind of is just wash rinse repeat of the
aforementioned five items.
3:45pm- We are finally within 100 yards of the dock where we
get out. We are welcomed with stagnant water and are not moving at all. By this
point my arms are so tired from trying to steer our sinking ship that I am
starting to consider just living on the water forever. Luckily one of my
co-workers brought a canoe and was acting like a towing service. As we creep
towards the shore I tell the boys that they need to get ready to jump out to
which my oldest responds- I can’t do that my wiener will get wet. What!?! Seriously I have risked life and limb
to take him out on this little adventure and his take away is that getting out
of his tube might get his future manhood wet. Worry not though, we managed to
get him close enough that he could hop out and stay completely dry.
Here is what I took away from the experience. Nature is
evil, floating on arctic water is defiantly not a good time, earning that eight
hours of holiday pay was harder than going in to my regular shift, I am still
not going to win any awards for my parenting. Rats
