Nature you scary

So it turns out that last week was pioneer day and since I practically work for Jesus it was a paid day off for me. I am not even sure what pioneer day is about but I don’t think getting caught up in semantics when a free day off of work is hanging in the balance is really necessary so I happily took it. Normally I would use the time off to catch up on really important things like drinking lots of caffeine and binge watching some ridiculous television show; but my sweet co-workers decided that they had a better plan for me.  They decided that we should go on an unsanctioned employee float trip down the river. I should have known it was a bad idea when we were not allowed to call it a work party so that the university would not be held liable in the event of some catastrophe. If the threat of death didn’t clue me in I should have at least declined on account of it being held in nature. You know that I hate nature. I can appreciate all the splendor, and marvel at the Good Lord’s creations but I would rather do both of those activities indoors safe from the less then desirable trial run creations. You know like mosquitoes and cats. I however was guilt tripped into attending said party. They know guilt is like my kryptonite and I was exploited. Here now is my account of the trip.

We were supposed to drop into the water at 1:00 but since we were going with a group of Mormons we ended up hitting the water closer to 1:30. Not to worry though I used that spare half hour responsibly and managed to eat at least three pounds of dirt thanks to the gale force winds that had picked up. I am not sure if dirt is nutritious but anything to stave off hunger right?

1:31pm- We arrive at the water’s edge of the warm river and prepare ourselves for the voyage. My good friend Jenn who actually organized the trip advised that we tie our tubes to the boys and so I dutifully obeyed. After all she is a veteran and I a mere rookie. It felt like this task took at least fifteen minutes when in reality it was like two.  I am sure that watching Myers and I try to negotiate 4 tubes that are each 53 inches in diameter was a hilarious sight.

1:33pm- We fling our strand of four tubes in the water and I put Thing 1 and 2 on the outside tubes and Myers and I take the two center tubes. It should be said that warm river is a total misnomer. It should really be called ice cold river full of fish poop but I suppose that that would be hard to sell to travelers. The water was FREEZING! It was the kind of cold that makes you suck in air so violently that you are afraid that the hole in the ozone layer was enlarged.  Turns out that the only thing worse than cold water is cold water that is touching your yiblets. All the other floaters tried to convince me that eventually my extremities would go numb and then the temperature wouldn’t matter. At this point I was committed so I took their words of advice and gritted my teeth.

1:35pm- I am pretty sure the first stages of hypothermia had set in and so I decided that I would embrace nature and enjoy my trip.

1:47pm- Our tubes decided that floating in a straight line was stupid so the four of us were all facing in different directions. I got my tube to flip around just in time to see a felled tree perched in the water. Myers instructed me to help him paddle away from the tree but given the fact that I am a land locked Idahoan I am pretty sure that I just paddle in the opposite direction that he was so we ended up going straight into the tree. At this point we got slightly wedged in its menacing branches. I am sure that getting one tube out would be no problem; four tied together is a different story. As I begin to realize that there was a distinct possibility that we might flip over I begin to panic a little bit.  Right before we walked out the door I asked Myers if I should grab the lifejackets. His response was why the water is barely four feet deep in areas so I left them behind. Now here we were with two kids who don’t know how to swim, a fast moving river, and two parents who apparently have decided to take on the parenting style of a neglectful bear. Luckily the kids were scared and hung on for dear life and we managed to release our train with only a laceration on my foot and a couple fifteen scraps on Brice’s shins.

1:50pm- I have just about calmed Myers back down after our first brush with death when I see a rock. I warn him of the upcoming obstacle and again paddle in the opposite direction from him and we end up hitting the rock dead on. Thing one and I are on one side and Thing two and Brice are on the other and the water is rolling over us at wicked high speeds. We don’t know how deep the water is, aren’t sure of the footing underneath us, can’t untie the tubes from one another and they are cinching ever tighter together, and again have two kids with no life jackets and no skill set in the swimming department. I talk Thing two into climbing into his brother’s tube the whole time praying that he safely makes it and then I start to wish that I was MacGyver. Surly his mullet would be able to get us out of this mess by its sheer awesomeness.  After a few minutes and a whole lot of freaking out later Brice hopped off his tube and flung both empty tubes over the rock and then dove back into his tube.  By this point all hopes of a peaceful trip have flown out the window.

2:10pm- we have made it a whole twenty minutes without a major disaster but I am noticing that I am sitting really low. I bring this to Brice’s attention and that is when we realized that somewhere between the tree and the rock I have popped my tube. That sucker was fifteen bucks and apparently can’t withstand a few extremely sharp objects? Lame. This requires our balancing act of throwing the two kids together once more and me sliding from my popped tube into the vacant tube.  While I was in the middle of all of this I was bitten by a horse fly and my whole arm began to swell up. I of course did the only rational thing and ended up swearing loudly in front of my children.

2:30pm- I hit a rock

2:33pm-I get stabbed by a stick

2:35pm- I start to turn blue because of the combo of frigid water, high winds and a soaking wet t-shirt

2:40pm- I start to wonder if I will ever see dry land again

2:45pm- I start to consider switching religions because I am pretty sure the Lutheran’s don’t celebrate pioneer day

The next hour kind of is just wash rinse repeat of the aforementioned five items.

3:45pm- We are finally within 100 yards of the dock where we get out. We are welcomed with stagnant water and are not moving at all. By this point my arms are so tired from trying to steer our sinking ship that I am starting to consider just living on the water forever. Luckily one of my co-workers brought a canoe and was acting like a towing service. As we creep towards the shore I tell the boys that they need to get ready to jump out to which my oldest responds- I can’t do that my wiener will get wet.  What!?! Seriously I have risked life and limb to take him out on this little adventure and his take away is that getting out of his tube might get his future manhood wet. Worry not though, we managed to get him close enough that he could hop out and stay completely dry.

Here is what I took away from the experience. Nature is evil, floating on arctic water is defiantly not a good time, earning that eight hours of holiday pay was harder than going in to my regular shift, I am still not going to win any awards for my parenting. Rats