Sorry Charlie

Welp it happened. I have officially been removed from the ballot for mother of the year. Yesterday we said so long to our pup and the repercussions have been nothing short of traumatic for all involved. Minion tells me that the feels posts are the worst but unfortunately for him I am more than a sarcastic maker upper of words so hang on it's about to get all feely up in here.
Charlies fate has been hanging in the balance for months due to his destructive nature. The list of items he destroyed are as follows
1 super expensive baby gate- the one time in my life I decide to go with the more expensive option it backfires. The gate which was fifty bucks lasted about twenty minutes before it had a hole chewed in it. I suppose this was really a blessing since Thing 1 was distraught that it was keeping him from accessing the fridge and the microwave and how was he supposed to live like that? I guess the fact that he could climb over the gate and or open it using his opposable thumbs never occurred to him but I digress.
1 pair of boots that apparently Myers was going to wear for the rest of his life. When Thing 2 heard this he quickly announced that he would look stupid if he did. Whilst the comment was both valid and funny it did nothing to lessen the anger.
2 Pairs of blinds- I will admit that the view from our play room window is in fact breath taking and I could forgive that transgression but he also chewed the blinds in Thing 2's room and all that you can see from there is the trunk of a tree. And truth be told it is not even a pretty trunk.
1 couch cushion- I guess Odells really does have it going on. I am still not sure why he thought that a good snackrel would be the back cushion on a vinyl couch but then again I am not sure why dogs to a lot of the things that they do like sniff butts or roll in trash or drag dead fish heads out of storm drains, all of which sadly happened.
1 pair of dress shoes- Maybe he was trying to determine if 2014 was a good year for leather? At this point Myers was over the dog but I carried on like a trooper
2 very very expensive couches-  He decided that cold winters were not ideal for whizzing conditions and took to peeing on the one nice thing in this whole house. I actually cleaned them using the best cleaner on the planet kids and pets and was willing to forgive since you know I am a good person and all but three days latter I found a puddle in the exact same spot and I was Audi five hundred.
Thanks to Facebook we were able to place him in his new forever home in less than 24 hours and it really is a better fit for him. A couple in their 80's who lost their pet in a car accident a week ago. The lesson that we learn is that dogs should never ever drive cars even if they beg.
The boys tried to convince me that we should charge them two dollars because he is such a good dog and shouldn't be given away for free. They lost that battle. They lost gracefully though and to show their grace  have taken up sobbing in long stretches. They laid in bed with me and cried for an hour straight. Not the whimpering kind the full on weeping wailing and gnashing of teeth kind. My mom heart broke and I did the only thing I could think of. I lied. I told them that if we all screamed good night Charlie at the same time he would hear us and would know that we all missed him. So we did. 
I would like to say there is less smell but lets be honest I still live with gross boys. But there is no more barking at the doorbell, no more demands for car rides and treats, no wagging tail to greet us even if we have only been gone for five minutes and  no one to eat spills off the ground. So before we go to bed tonight we will yell again, for today I know he can hear it.

Mr. T and me

I have always loathed school. That is not to say that I hate learning. The practice of learning is fine, it is the homework that I have always hated. As some cruel cosmic joke the homework load that Thing one and Thing two carry home each day weighs three hundred pounds and causes me to curl up in the fetal position. Every day I am more and more thankful to be American because if this is what our education system is piling on imagine what the poor Asian mothers are dealing with! We generally can make it through math with a minimal amount of crying which Thing one handles like a champ and dutifully brings me tissues and hot chamomile tea. Spelling however is a whole other beast. I truthfully can not spell my way out of a paper bag. I learned how to read by sight so sounding out words is like asking a cat to be nice. If spell check had never been invented there would be no way that I could pass as a semi intelligent human and would have long ago been the headline in a newspaper toting the amazing abilities of the chimp who escaped the zoo. You can imagine then trying to teach another person to spell. One of the words this week is pitied which I had to Google to confirm was in fact a real word. When it came time to practice with Thing one he asked me to use it in a sentence. Without missing a beat I said- I pitied the po' fool who messes with me. I may or may not have even done it in a faux Mr. T voice. This joke was lost on him but I am still going to count it as a parenting win. Mother of the year here I come!

I am my mother's daughter

I grew up in what I commonly referred to as a three ring circus without any tents. Chaos was the general mood around the house and rightly so since my parents took the whole multiply and replenish the earth thing as a personal challenge. Or perhaps they misunderstood that they were not solely responsible for the future population and that others would share in that burden. Either way the littles far outweighed the olds and so things like grocery shopping and cleaning out the fridge fell pretty low on the priority list. It was not at all uncommon to find cheese that had started to grow mold and the standard answer was always just cut it off it will be fine. I would like to say that my mother has grown out of this phase but alas I was told this exact same phrase two weeks ago.  

Today I found myself alone with the boys for dinner and since I didn't have to worry about impressing them with my culinary prowess I decided to make real people tacos for dinner. Several years ago I made fish tacos with a corn jicama salsa for dinner and upon presenting it Thing one promptly asked for- you guessed it- real people tacos. Apparently ground beef and crunchy shells meet that criterion.  I just so happened to have a box of these puppies that have been dying to make an entrance so I figured it was a sign from above.

I set about cooking and popped the shells in the oven as per the instructions and was getting ready to give myself a gold star for scrubbing bathrooms and making dinner instead of letting them eat out which is what I normally do when Myers is gone when I noticed a funny smell in the air. I was perplexed and set about finding the source. Much to my chagrin it was coming from the oven. Then I flipped the package of and the mystery was solved

Yup they are expired by YEARS! The reality that I am becoming my mother set in when I tried to convinced myself that they would be just fine. I took a bite just to prove it. Turns out there is no amount of sour cream salsa or cheese that would cover that rank flavor. Even if I did take the time to cut the mold off.