Timber

This year Thing 2 is in the fourth grade. At first I thought my biggest concern was going to be the fact that I remember a lot from my fourth grade year and so I was going to have to be more careful with my rants and actually learn how to be a mom. Little did I know the real problem was going to come in the form of a gift.
Turns out the Obama administration passed an initiative that allows all fourth graders nation wide access to every national park for an entire year. The hope is that it will generate an interest in nature and dissuade the little tykes from spending inordinate amounts of time in front of screens. As an extra bonus it is a way to really tick me off since you know it's nature and all.
As one can imagine this has been a highlight of our fourth graders year and he carries his pass around on a lanyard and recites the rules of his pass to me at every opportunity. It has kinda of become white noise and I do the appropriate mom response of saying things like wow honey that's neat and sure thing pal we could totally do that sometime soon. During one of our little interchanges the excitement level reached fever pitch and as I was processing what was going on I realized that I had accidentally agreed to go out and chop down our own Christmas tree which turns out is one of the perks of the pass.
Since the fateful conversation he has given me a full list of all the reasons why this is a good plan.  The first one being that he was going to save me money since you know I wouldn't have to buy a tree this year. He is conveniently overlooking the fact that I never buy a tree since I have an artificial tree that sits under the stairs all year long but who needs logic in a situation like this? Neither one of us had to work on black Friday so we decided it was as good a day as any to venture into the wild. Here is the account.
11:10- We all get showered  and dressed and eat a sensible brunch of turkey sandwiches and left over pecan pie and then start to pack the car. It requires no less then 3 pairs of snow pants for two boys 5 pairs of gloves and 6 winter coats of varying heaviness. We then pull out of the driveway to buy a saw.
11:11- I remember that I saw a coupon for the ace and since we are trying to save money insist that we pull back into the driveway so I can find it.
11:13 -I now have the coupon in hand and we are really off
11:20- We check out at ACE after buying the only saw that they have for $8.10 thanks to my coupon
12:00- We arrive at the ranger station that we need to obtain our permit and Thing 2 is beaming at saving me $15.
12:01- We begin the back tracking to nature. That's right we had to drive all the way to Idaho Falls to pick up a pink tag to then turn around and drive back to Rexburg to chop the tree down. This is our government in action
12:41- We are back in our driveway so we can get a tarp to aid in the tree dragging process how it didn't make it in during our over packing phase is a mystery.
12:50 We have cleared the township of Rexburg and Thing 1 is already asking if we are there yet and starts pointing out anything that is green and could pass as a tree if you squinted.
1:23 We pass a ranger station in Ashton and I get angry inside
1:35 We are now in the Targhee National forest and now the trees are fair game. We turn on a side road and drive clear down into a snow filled canyon and find nothing but a few animal tracks which our boy scout wants to follow.
1:40- We have now left the canyon and found another trail that leads two feet into a field but see a tree and honestly contemplate just taking it
1:50- We are now on another poorly marked trail but we decide that there are enough trees to choose from and we exit the vehicle and gear up.
1:52- Thing 2 is confused about what our mission is and starts asking if we can scrap the tree idea and instead start a weasel hunting expedition.
1:53- I have to remind Thing 2 to stop swinging the saw around before some one gets hurt
1:54-  I have to remind Thing 2 to stop swinging the saw around before some one gets hurt
1:55-  I have to remind Thing 2 to stop swinging the saw around before some one gets hurt
1:58- We spot a tree and we think its perfect only to get to it and realize it is missing one whole side
2:00- Find another tree with the exact same problem as before but I am freezing since Thing 1 is wearing my boots and I am hoarse from reminding my child that he could kill someone and instantly lower my standards.
2:10- Timber! We have a tree but no weasel but we still call it a day
2:40- Stop at Walmart to buy a tree stand for $7.95 and cry a little when I realize that my money saving son has actually cost me more money then the tag goes for.

As a special thank you for freezing my yiblets off yesterday I was awakened first thing this morning by a panicked nine year old who needed to inform me before the sun was even up that his tree wasn't drinking. I am not at all looking forward to the next 30 days or so. Christmas who needs it?

leave your marx

I am not sure if I have told you but this is our last year of elementary school. For a little bit I was all upset about it what with my kids getting older and all. Worry not though I have found a loop hole which has taken my self pity to self congratulations. You see Thing One did his last year at the same school that Thing Two has found himself in. Turns out that Just as the tradition of elementary schools having a strong odor of hamster and urine the homework is also a part of the learning tradition. Two years ago I was googling the crap out of all of the ridiculous assignments that were coming home and putting forth my best effort. Now it has become old hat.
Last week I was informed that it was Veterans day- the war fighting kind not the animal saving kind. There was a veteran to be found and researched, a report written about their service and a poster to prove that they were in fact real. My laziness and inability to throw out poster board came in handy because I totes recycled the exact same poster and report that we turned in for Thing One. I am choosing to Ignore the fact that the silly thing collected dust under my bed for 2 years and instead putting a firm check in the win pile.
I am experiencing a little deja vu this week in the form of the great turkey disguise project, only this time I wasn't smart enough to save the first bird so we had to go back to the drawing board.
I kicked around a few ideas and mentioned them to the actual student who didn't seem all that interested in actually doing his homework until I finally just took the reigns. I may have fallen down a rabbit hole while doing my google search and somehow decided that Groucho Marx was a perfect disguise. This was a two part project and required a persuasive letter to convince the folks not to eat his pretend turkey. So as I was cutting and gluing in peace he was trying to write his paper. He kept asking me over and over again who the guy was and after showing his picture after picture I finally gave him a rough outline of what his paper should be about. I tell you it was super clever and included things about how his lack of talking would take away from the fun of eating him and so on and so forth. It only occurred to me AFTER he had written the whole thing that I had confused him with Charlie Chaplin. Needless to say the nine year old was not impressed. We reworked a few things and I am sure people won't know his mom was a little drunk and couldn't even keep two separate characters from two different decades straight.
Given that the project is due tomorrow we came down to finish putting the final touches on the thing and after examining him he informed me that he needed to have a cigar. I tried to explain that promoting smoking in elementary school was a bad idea.He didn't see it that way and after trying to reason with him for a few moments I realized two things. 1. I am too tired to deal with this crap. 2. I should probably never have been given kids.
So while the first turkey looked like this

This years turkey looks like this.

I guess no mother of the year award for me- suprise suprise

Boo Hoo

Life has gotten a little crazy around these parts which of course meant the first thing to go was this little project. I could come up with excuses but you are not here for excuses. I am pretty sure the reason you are here is poor grammar and run on sentences so shall we move forward.
I am being forced to come to terms with the fact that I am getting old. At first I pretended that I liked that. It started by embracing the wrinkles that are permanently etching themselves into my albino flesh. I told myself that they made me look more refined, more authentic. Then I realized that that was just tired Chris talking and she belongs locked up in some sort of well padded room. Then I tried to convince myself that getting older meant I was closer to retirement, then I checked my bank account and died a little inside. The final blow however came this year when the effects of me aging meant that my children are also aging and that slowly but surely the doors of their childhood are slamming shut.
The most painful of those doors thus far has been Halloween. As per tradition of stopping with the old trick or treating game at 12 it meant that this was Thing One's last time going door to door. I tried to put it out of my mind as I created one of the most epic costumes I have ever crafted but as the night loomed closer there was this gnawing feeling of despair. Then since he is my child he decided to kick a guy while he was down and asked to forgo Halloween night with Gram and Pops so he could trick or treat in his own neighborhood for the very last time. Like a dope I agreed. I tried to soothe that pain by dropping 60 bucks on Halloween candy which BTW I did not crack into until the actual night of Halloween. I deserve a medal please and thank you.
Despite my best attempts time marched forward and before I knew it the big night arrived. I had visions in my head as to how things were going to go and of course the reality was miles away from the expectations. I got left at home to pass out the candy and my kid didn't even look back.
Halloween has always meant a rowdy crowd and a group picture in front of the house. It is sitting back and watching Pops pace with excitement peaking through the window and calling out which candy he needs as per his algorithm which helps him decide which child deserves what particular treat. Its listening to Ma try to goad us into drinking her twenty two gallons of wasil. It's a constant stream of old friends and their kids and noise and chaos. This year was markedly different. By the end it was just Thing One and I walking our neighborhood, the neighborhood we waited a decade to belong to. Hand and hand I took my boy on his last adventure. It was quiet and dignified unlike the whimpering that followed later that night once he had passed out in a sugar induced coma. So while my mom heart is breaking wide open here is a recap of years past. If I wasn't such a disorganized slag I would have all of them but I changed computers as often as I changed addresses which is to say A LOT! So in the spirit of Halloween I am going to dress the part of an emotionally stable women when in reality I am the crazy cat lady chasing the evaporating moments of my kids youth.