So this week we got a letter from our insurance company. I
secretly thought that they were writing to tell us that we are in fact two of
the coolest human beings on the planet and that they just wanted to make us
aware of this but instead it was a reminder that the new challenge had started.
If we agree to sign up and complete the challenge for 70 percent of the time
they knock fifty bucks off of our premium at the end of the year. This means
that we both stand to make back $300.00 just for doing things an average number
of times in grading terms. This new challenge is asking us to spend less and save
more. Well the joke is on those crazy buttholes because we are poor and so
there is no money to spend. Let it be said that children are expensive. Now let
it also be stated that back to school is like a giant black hole of expense and
we got sucked through it not once but twice! So obviously we are not planning a
luxury cruise and our latest splurge is 38 cent soda at the grocery store. Too bad
for us our kids did not get the memo that we have spent a grand getting them
ready for some real fine learning so they continue to believe that we can spend
away like it is our job. Fast forward to the weekend. For the entire summer we have
planned these amazing weekend flings. Knowing that if I want to make back my
money I knew that I could not continue with this trend so when Ethan asked to
go to the arcades I said heck no I have a better idea- lets go climb R
mountain. This as it turns out was not a good plan at all. It was in fact a
Chris is a damn fool kind of plan and the subject of this week’s letter. Settle
in friend this is gonna get wild.
R- Mountain adventure as told by Chris
9:00 am I try to convince the kids that sleeping is what we
really really want to do for the whole day, they say no. I cry and die a little
inside and convince them to let me sleep while they scrub the funk off
themselves
9:01 the boys try to convince me that the funk is scrubbed
off. I call BS and they hit the showers again
10:00 all of us are now clean and shoes are on and we are
just about ready to hit the trails. Brice “reads’ the directions to get to the mountain
and I start kvetching around like the good Jew that I am packing our travel
bag. I pack a thirty two pound watermelon an over ripe pineapple and throw in a
few cheese sticks and peanuts for good measure. Realizing I almost forgot water
I fill four jugs and toss them in. My back pack now weighs at least thirty
pounds but no bother I am tuff and prepared.
10:05 we are all buckled and headed to the mountain and we
figure that we are going to arrive in about ten minutes.
10:15 we turn onto the road Brice thinks we need. He starts
waxing poetic about how he used to know every stretch of road out here and that
he knows right where it is because his steel trap mind is recalling sights and
sounds. Suddenly we are driving way past the R on the mountain and I tell him
we need to turn around. We then spend the next fifteen minutes exploring every
private drive with a sign saying no trespassing. We totes trespassed in hopes
of finding a living soul who could tell us how to get to the stupid mountain
10:30 feeling frustrated I finally ask if he really read the
instructions only to find out he had not. He flips back around just in time to
see a sign saying trail head 1.5 miles south. He feels vindicated and smart
since he knows where south is and has proof he is on the right track.
10:33 we drive 3 miles south for good measure still no sign
of trail so flip back around for the third time and start back over in the same
driveway with the sign. By this point we have driven by their house enough that
I am actually offended that they have not brought me a glass of lemonade or
some cookies. Rude.
10:35 my melodramatic freak-out is in full swing where I say
go all the way back to the road and start over. It is then that we realized
that Brice has over shot the trail by 1.5 miles to the North. Turns out those
people are directionally challenged. As I start a fiery dissertation about the
sheer idiotic hood of these people Brice points out that I don’t know which
direction south is either. This is a fact but here is another fact, I have
never made a sign professing to know which way is south and then placed it in
my driveway to confuse drivers.
10:37 we are finally on the right road. Just as I am calming
down Brenen starts crying because Ethan poked him in the eye. My stellar
solution is to allow him to poke him right back as hard as he wants. I tell him
this is a free pass that he can use at any time with no chance of punishment.
My awesome parenting skills backfire because he chooses to use this free poke
right then so now I have two children with temporary blindness crying in my
backseat. This is the reason wild eat their young I am sure of it.
10:42 after another fit of hysteria we finally find the
trail head complete with the port a potty’s promised on the site that I have
looked up to ensure that we actually find said trail head. We pile out of the
car and head out
10:45 the trail starts to steepen and I am starting to
wonder what I have done
10:47 the nice gravel is replaced by sinking sand and I look
up into the distance and suddenly realized that this is not a nice little jaunt
through the park. This is in fact a full fledge hike up a mountain. Let us stop
and consider something at this point. How in the world did I hear the word mountain
and not allow that information to sink into my brain as an indication as to
what I would be going through. This is like the time I visited the statue of
liberty. In my mind’s eye I figured that good old lady liberty was about my height
with some killer arms. I had seen pictures and I had read plenty of accounts of
her construction and yet I was shocked shocked I say when I arrived at Ellis Island
to see that she is actually over three hundred feet tall. I think that I have a
problem. The funny thing is as we were circling our location like two drunk
crows I kept thinking wow that is a huge mountain and yet here I was gob
smacked at the level of difficulty and even worse I allowed my two young boys
to come with me.
10:50 I am panting and trying to come up with a really good excuse
as to why we should turn around. I don’t want to be the looser who suggests
this so I instead revel in the fact that Brenen is walking thirty feet behind
us at the speed of a really slow desert creature. I am not sure what that
desert creature would be since you know I can’t even figure out what a mountain
is so for the sake of argument let’s call him a tortoise. I use this as a
chance to stop and rest. He of course chooses this exact moment to run to catch
up.
11:00 we are now approximately one one hundredth of the way up
the mountain. Brice is panting like a woof, I am sweating like a dad gum sinner
in church and our boys are suddenly energized and thrilled to be out in nature.
We use all our strength to scream things out like don’t run up that cliff or
stay out of that badger den with enough conviction that they will actually
believe that there is in fact grave danger in these actions. By this point we
have agreed that taking a six year old up a sheer rock face skiffed with sand
is not good parenting and the perfect scape goat so we snap a few pictures and
begin our descent down.
11:01 I suddenly have the fear of god placed in me when I realized
how steep the path is and how slick everything is. Ethan rolls fifteen feet off
the trail and I am just sure that I am going to have to remember how to do the
dead man carry to get him out of there. The ironic thing is that I just had to
go over this to certify for girls camp. I was not paying attention so I know
that it is karma just being a jerk. Luckily his giant head slowed him down
enough to allow him to come to a not so gentle stop.
11:09 we have now climbed down a good fifteen feet. Things
are slow moving and I suddenly wish that I had spent more time doing squats for
real instead of the ones that I do to look into the fridge for a tasty morsel
since my quads are on FIRE! We meet up with two other people who have also made
the stupid mistake of thinking that climbing R Mountain on a Saturday was a
good idea. As we are trying to decide who gets to move forward in their misery
on the narrow path Brice spots a lizard on a log. I spend a good five minutes
just trying to see the silly thing, apparently camouflage is real.
11:20 I am now trying not to cry both from pain and terror. I
am chastising myself for thinking that saving money was a good idea and am
forming a strongly written letter to those jack holes at DMBA about bribing
people. Brice in all his sweetness tries to cheer me up by pointing out that we
got to see a lizard in its natural habitat. Apparently Brice just met me and
does not realize that lizards creep me out and that I am not elated at seeing
one.
11:30 I can now safely say I have a baby mountain of my own.
Luckily for us all it is not in my pants but rather in my shoes. I did have the
good sense to wear tennis shoes instead of Chaco’s but the mesh cooling system
is allowing more dirt in than air out. There is a dam of dirt nestled under my
big toes and each step feels like I am walking on high heels that I put on
backwards. Let us not forget that I am a big enough spaz to have tried to scale
a mountain that I believed was a mole hill so putting foot wear on backwards is
in fact not out of the realm of possibility. I begin to hate myself for coming
up with bonding activities and make a mental note to become a neglectful
mother. Perhaps one who allows her children to poke one another in the eye.
11:37 I can finally see our car and if my calves were not so
tight and my hips so sore I might have sprinted towards it. Instead I hold in
sobs and settle for a dignified whimper. Thinking that I need to come up with a
plan of action to ensure that the boys never want to do this again I tell Brice
that we should convince them that we have lost the car keys at the top of
the
mountain and have to go up after
them. This evil plan keeps us going for the last ten minutes of the trip.
10:47 we finally get to the car and hobble over to pour out
the dirt. My competitive side kicks in and I win the contest just to prove I can.
10:50 we drive home barefooted and eat the thirty pounds of
watermelon, overripe pineapple, and sting cheese on the way. I hold out sharing
my peanuts because 1. I love peanuts and 2. They were the toffee kind and do I really
need to share those?
11:15 Brice and I are flopped on the couch exhausted and try
to convince the boys that what they really really want to do is sleep for the
rest of the day. They still won’t buy it.
Side bar I have a bunch of pictures to send but they are
too big to send in an email. I was uploading them to some cloud when
Brice pulled a Brice and monkey fiddled and lost everything. are you
interested in them if so I will try again and throw something shiny at
him to distract him. let me know
